I have this little voice in my head sometimes. I mean, I'm assuming it's coming from within my brain, but for a while there I was testing it to see if it was coming from "God" or something, even though you're not supposed to test God. The other day, when I went to buy a 12 pack of Coca-Cola at Kroger, the voice told me to turn down a certain isle. It wasn't the soda isle. There was a big display of hard cider, and I thought maybe I was supposed to get that instead, because I do love cider, but I realized I didn't have enough money. As soon as I was sad that the voice was wrong, I looked down, and there was one 12 pack of Coca-Cola hidden behind a sign.
But then I came home, and I was looking for a spoon. The voice told me to look in a bowl in the sink that was murky and filled with water. There was no spoon. So, I don't know what's up with that. Maybe sometimes I subconsciously manifest the voice and it sounds like the external voice, or maybe (most likely) it really is just my schizophrenic brain and my subconscious all along. I suck at discernment.
Today was really fucking insane. I finally made it home at like 2:30am, and I wanted to talk to my roommate, but I think she was pretending to be asleep. I messaged my Grandma's sister (her only sibling left--she was the youngest) and asked her if she would get lunch with me one day because she's the closest thing I have to Grandma, and I miss her very much. But now I'm worried that will come off as kind of douchey. I should have said I missed her and wanted to talk to her, which I do, but not as much as my Grandma. And I'm trying to be honest about everything. I did lie once today, but I felt like my life depended on it.
I just really want to go somewhere with nice people and healthy things and get help. But I don't want to be trapped anywhere, because there's a good chance I will freak the fuck out. I actually thought about writing down all of the illegal things I've done in the past and giving it to a police officer, but there's nothing super major, and the statute of limitations have probably passed on everything already anyway. I wouldn't mind going to prison, although I'd rather not get raped or beat up. I've been beat up before and can deal with that, but the main reason I wouldn't want to be raped is because of the HPV. I mean, I can deal with pain, but I still have major issues about my STDs and baldness. Speaking of which, I wonder if I were arrested they would let me shave my head first? When I got my DUI last weekend, I asked them if they could take my mugshot without showing my hairline, and they couldn't. It's such a horrible picture. With a hat on, people think I'm in my early 20s, but without it, I look like the crazy pathetic loser creep 35 year old I really am.
So when I first went to jail (this was my first time ever being arrested), I bitched a lot because it was freezing in the holding cell, and they wouldn't give me a blanket. But then I felt bad about it, so I asked the jailer if she would talk to me. We ended up chatting for hours about race and religion and the Illuminati (her topic). She was really nice. I liked her a lot.
So I've been having really strange and vivid dreams lately. Last night I dreamt that I had my liver removed for some reason and found out I had HIV. There was only a tiny little incision in my abdomen where they took it out. There was a line of about 100 people, at least, waiting to get their meds, and I was freaking out because either I was in a lot of pain or wanted antibiotics--I can't remember. It reminded me of the day after I got out of the hospital in Los Angeles for psychosis and freaked out waiting in line to get my anti-psychotic. I never got them, mainly because the manufacturer's name was Aurobindo, and I thought that the pills would somehow bind my aura, which didn't sound like a good thing.
The night before last I had a dream that I went to a party at this large warehouse with tons of rooms--as if the old Shirt Factory (my Grandma worked there, btw) in Cochran were converted into loft apartments or a hotel or something. There were tons of people there, including several I went to school with. I don't remember exactly who was there, but I do know that every time I went into a room to hang out with them, they would go to a different one. They kept avoiding me. I got really upset and was crying and started leaving down the front steps when this tall guy with dark hair came running up to me and picked me up in his arms. The next thing I remember was playing on stage in his band. And then we were in a hotel room, cuddling on one bed. In the other bed was a lady who was super cool. After talking to her for a while, I realized it was June NeSmith, Daniel NeSmith's mom that I haven't seen in well over 20 years. Super random. The guy wasn't Daniel, though. I have no idea who he was, but I'd really like to meet him if he exists. I messaged Daniel on Facebook and told him his mom was in my dream, and he just loled.
The night before that, I think, I dreamt that I was part of the British Royal Family--or, at least I was having an affair with one of the princes--I'm not really sure. Queen Elizabeth hated me for some reason, though. I don't remember anything else.
Dreams are weird.
Maybe this is a dream?
This is definitely a weird fucking dream.
So I've been drinking like two week old water out of a 2 liter coke bottle. I mean, I've eaten out of trashcans before, so it should probably be okay. I need to start drinking water more often. It makes me feel way better than soda.
Cigarette time. This album is really good, by the way, although I'm like 25 years late for that observation.
Okay, so when I left my room, I noticed my roommate is actually sleeping and snoring, so maybe she wasn't faking it earlier. It was just weird because she only started snoring after I asked her if she was awake when I came home. I mean, I wouldn't be mad or anything if she was ignoring me. I can totally understand why she would. I've been a fucking mess.
Early this morning I overheard her on the phone with Naomi, her daughter (one of my former best friends). Apparently Naomi got in a fight with her boyfriend, and Amy was trying to get her to come down here for a while. I'm really glad Naomi called her, at least, because I know Amy was pretty upset (even though she didn't really show it) that neither of daughters called her to wish her a happy birthday July 4, and she hadn't heard from them since. Jenny, her ex-husband's daughter, did call her and so did Denise, her other ex-husband's babies' mama. I bought her Captain D's. It's her favorite. It was the least I could do. This woman has been there for me so many times since I was like 16 years old or something.
Oh yeah, so I overheard them on the phone. I went to the living room to smoke a cigarette, and I heard Amy say "I don't care about him at all", followed by "Well then go to Athens." I automatically assumed she was talking about me. I mean, Naomi probably still hates me, and if she knew I was here there's a good chance she wouldn't want to come here. Plus the other day, Amy told me she loved me, but she was blinking her eyes way too much as she said it, and I thought she was lying since allegedly people blink their eyes more often when they're lying. But after she got off the phone, I asked her if she wanted me to leave, and she said "Not tonight. Where would you go anyway?". I told her to let me know if Naomi was coming, at least, so I could clean up the apartment for her. She told me that even if she did come, I wouldn't have to leave. I went back to my room and was still super paranoid that she was talking about me, and I was trying to figure out where I was going to go. But then I went and told her what I was thinking, and she yelled at me and told me that not everything is about me. She said she didn't even tell Naomi I was living here, and she was talking about Rob when she said she didn't care about him, because he was being a drunk asshole. I'm still not entirely sure what the truth is, though.
I mean, I would obviously totally understand why she wouldn't want me here or why she wouldn't love me. I mean, I don't even love myself, and I don't want to be anywhere, either. I wouldn't blame her one bit. I just don't know what's real or not sometimes. Like, the other day, she told me that if I didn't pay my rent by Tuesday she would kill me in my sleep. I thought she really meant it, until I asked her if she was really going to do it, and she told me it was just an expression.
I think that's why I'm so paranoid though. According to the Bible, people become paranoid when they're not doing what's right. I think I read that. Maybe I just made it up. Anyway, it makes sense if it's true, I guess. I've done a lot of fucked up things in my life, and I feel like God or Karma or whatever isn't finished with me. I've had so many friends who were so much better than me die terrible deaths, so why not me? Plus I've been getting really mad and cursing out the god of the Bible a lot lately. I just don't understand why you would hurt people or torture them forever (although, according to the Jehovah's Witnesses, this is a myth--I hope they're right). I don't think anyone deserves that, even Hitler. Why not heal everybody? If you don't want people to do certain shit, then why not fix them so they don't do it? We can still have free will. And make it more clear who or what is right. Is the Bible right? Both Hebrew and Greek? What about Paul's letters? How do we know?
My back hurts so fucking much right now. I get like this after I'm super stressed out. I think my brain transfers the mental/emotional anguish into physical pain because it's easier to deal with. It's called psychogenic pain. Although I've seriously considered that it might be the "rod of God" disciplining me.
Anyway, there's so much I want to write about. I need to write about my day at some point, because it's important. But right now I'm going to explain why I developed this new-found and extremely shaky religiosity. I don't think I've talked about it before on here. I had a secret Facebook at one point where I wrote about some of the things that happened... I guess I could just copy and paste and then fill in the gaps. Yeah, let's do that.
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From December 14, 2016
Ok, I've been procrastinating writing this for a while, but here goes. I'm going to attempt to refrain from speculating too much and just present the facts. I don't know exactly how far back to begin, as I'm not sure which puzzle pieces of my life fit together and in what ways, so I'm going to start from the time I started experiencing "delusions."
I assume it all started back in 2011 when I became homeless in Venice Beach. I actually had a wonderful time and met some awesome and brilliant people. But one day I was sitting on the beach in a circle with some friends. This guy walks past dressed how White Jesus is usually presented (lol). I didn't think anything of it, and was just like "What's up, Jesus". Then later that night, after the tourists and cleared off the boardwalk, I had gotten up from my spot to go fetch my bag of fruit. When I returned, sitting in my place was the same guy I had seen earlier, except he was dressed differently and wearing a purple sequined sash.
We started talking, and he mentioned how he had just gotten back from Edwards Air Force Base, and he allegedly had a brick from one of the underground tunnels. I mentioned how I used to work at Robins and was aware of the tunnels (we had a bomb scare once), and he told me to go for a walk with him. Come to find out, he knew one of my former bosses, Chris Lyman, who was the CEO of a VOIP company called Fonality (the same guy who told me that if I went back to Georgia I would die there). Anyway, so this guy takes me out of the beach in front of the "Blue House" where my friends and I would congregate (former squat for Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, and the like). He gave me an energy healing, and it was wonderful. Then he told me that he was a multi-dimensional traveler and "ambassador of sorts" called "I Am". He said he and I were part of something called the "Unified Whole". He explained the whole story of alleged beings who had been working towards peace for a while and had amassed hundreds of billions of dollars of gold. I can't remember the whole story Oh, he also said that he had planned on meeting with some friends there to time travel back to Ancient Rome. He showed me the bench from which this was supposedly to occur, and it happened to be the same bench where another guy (who he didn't know) that I knew (who claimed to be a blacklisted geneticist and theoretical physicist from the 70s/80s) had written an expounded-upon version of Einstein's theory of relatively, which he had claimed would allow time travel.. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure if any of this is related to what I've experienced, or if maybe he was just in a cult or something. I found him on Youtube -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qfQ0TNFCt4 -- Like I said, he may have just been crazy, but that's when it all began.
So I ended up leaving for San Francisco and later that year getting a job at a start-up IT company in NYC. I lived with Yva Las Vegas ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweet_75 ), who said the CIA was watching her since the Ministry of Culture in Venezuela had been getting her to go on tour there (she had formed a band with Krist Novoselic in the 90s a month after Kurt Cobain died). I also had a love affair with this guy Whit, who told me that I was a "Northern Star" and gave me a tattoo on my wrist that symbolized it. Not sure what that meant. He ended up writing several songs about me, and I could digress with this story, but for the sake of brevity, I won't.
I ended up having an ethical dispute with the company I was working for (even though they told me I would be a millionaire if I stayed due to all the quantitative easing they received). In addition to being all stupid heartbroken over Whit going on tour in Brazil (and after a strange excursion to Kentucky and Short Mountain aka Faerie Land in Tennessee), I came back to Georgia and met Meekal, who was an "lead zombie" on the Walking Dead. We ended up running away back to LA so he could pursue his career after I got fired from this little tech shop for being gay, basically. Everything in LA was wonderful for a while--very romantic--until his mother came to stay with us while on the run from the cops. Things got very strange.
One day I remembered that I had the footage I had taken using the camera a non-profit gave me when I was homeless. I took the footage to the place, and they got really excited and told me to come back in a week. A week later, I go, and there's a film crew there along with this famous French-Palestinian actress Hiam Abass (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiam_Abbass ) and Jean-Baptiste something. They had me sign two release forms, which I didn't read, and they filmed me singing an Edith Piaf song on my ukulele and reading some poem by a famous author. Apparently they showed me on the big screen at Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Anyway, a week or so later, I got in a fight with my boyfriend (he seemed to be acting, it was strange---lots of other strange characters came into my life during that time, but that'd require a novel), so I went to the boardwalk to be by myself. I ended up sitting on the bench where we all used to hang out when I was homeless. I was severely missing Jan Waldstein (first female punk rock DJ in the world), who had passed away shortly after I had left. She had been like a mother to me, and called herself a "Cosmic Social Worker" and said I was one too. I was crying, and then that Hiam lady came and sat next to me and tried to console me. I thought it was really nice, but then when I looked to my left, there was a huge camera in my face. I got really upset and ended up running away, noticing other cameras focusing on me (I think) on the way back to my hotel. Meekal started acting very strange, too, like he was acting. He ended up beating the shit out of me and broke two of my ribs, so I took a red eye back to Georgia.
After that, I started being extremely paranoid that people were constantly filming me, and I didn't know who was an actor or not. My mental health started declining, and I ended up having severe delusions about my family and others and ended up in the psych ward and rehab. The deaths of many of my friends didn't help, including Randall, who I miss dearly.
There's so much other stuff that has happened that could be connected, but I'm going to skip to the most recent parts.
So last year I started having delusions that they were trying to build Zion or something here--or something nefarious. I thought it was somehow connected to Dr. Roberts--my childhood pediatrician, inventor of the PC, and Bill Gate's boss-- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Roberts_(computer_engineer) --and that I was somehow involved. I thought maybe it had something to do with masonry, also, since my Granddad (mom's side) was a Master Mason, and my grandmother was the Holy Matron of the Order of the Eastern Star. I also found a masonic (I presume) porecelin pitcher and basin that belonged to my grandmother, and stamped on the bottom is "Calif 666". Anyway, this could be unrelated.
So after going to rehab and everything, I basically decided that I was just nuts. And I was okay with that and my anti-psychotics.
But in the past few months, I've begun to wonder due to the following reasons:
1. My cousin told me how Bill Gates and some other billionaire (Paul Kite or something) just purchased thousands of acres like 10 minutes from here for their "bug out" spot. In a related note, for many years I have experienced this phenomenon where I will speak what I consider "jibberish". I assumed it was some form of Tourette's. But one night I decided to attempt to translate it with Google Hebrew to English (voice translate), and it translated to "Eric thinks you should leave this area. The parliament meets in this area." The only Eric I know is my friend who is the step-son of Dr. Roberts. He told me he doesn't know anything about it, but I did find out that Dr. Roberts also used to work at Area 51.
2. I was at a friend's house one night, and this guy came over and mentioned being a star. I asked him if he meant Eastern Star, and he showed me their logo (upside-down pentagram with the word "fatal" written around it -https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Order_of_the_Eastern_Star… ), which was on his tablet. He took me to the back room, told me I was a star, and that my parents must have paid a hefty price. He proceeded to give me a skeleton key and told me someone would ask me about it one day. I asked if he could give me details, but he said it was something he could only show me--not tell me. He did point to the all-seeing eye on the dollar bill and mention something about "Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Heaven, Hell, Earth". He also told me that the OES makes bad things happen for you to come back home because they love you.
3. I came home from same friend's house one night, and laid down. My mom said I had only been home for a couple minutes, so I know I wasn't asleep. I closed my eyes and it was like I witnessed something intense but couldn't remember it--I was only left with an intensely strong feeling of "end of the world". When I opened my eyes, hovering above my bed were these two metallic rings intertwined. It shocked me--mind divided by zero. I went and slept with my mom. I couldn't even speak. The next day, my first suggested video on Youtube was about the NWO. It included a 17th century etching of exactly what I saw. It's apparently what the Biblical prophet Ezekiel saw in his vision--a "wheel within a wheel".http://www.ufoevidence.org/cases/pictures/EzekielsWheel.jpg I googled it, and others have versions very similar to what I saw, except mine didn't' have spokes.
4. I started experiencing this sensation that I've never felt before with certain words, phrases, and numbers. It's like a light--a glowing sensation within me--almost like electricity. I don't even know how to explain it. The things that trigger it are mostly religious (more-so Judaic than Christian), but also things like dolphin linguistics and Elon Reeves Musk (Alien Reveals Mask?). One strange thing that also triggered it was that I was the reincarnation of "King David" of Biblical fame (although I think the story has been changed severely). I told a friend some of this stuff, and when she said "I'm not sure about a lot of it, but I definitely think you were David"), I got that sensation INTENSELY. I also told my Mormon therapist Joseph Smith (coincidentally) about all of this, and he believes that what I've been experiencing is what people call the "Holy Spirit" (or perhaps Kundalini in Hinduism). I went home and researched Mormonism and discovered that they believe a "New David" will be raised up at the end times to be King of Israel. I also discovered that the Hebrew gematria of my full name is 541, which is the Star of David number and also the numerology for "Israel". I know this sounds fucking crazy, and most likely I'm not the reincarnation of David. But if I am, that puts me in a very strange place, because there is a bit of doctrine and dogma that I am fervently against in both Judaism and Mormonism (both of which predict the reincarnation of David). Oh, I also had coffee with my old gifted math teacher, who is a Jehovah's Witness. When she mentioned how they believe the UN has something to do with Revelations, we BOTH got the same sensation.
So, now that I know I possibly have Schizophrenia, a huge part of me thinks my brain is just forming patterns where there are none, but I can't get rid of the feeling that there might be something to all of this. What do you all think? I can elaborate on anything, just ask! (I'm sure I'm on some list now, btw, and possibly being watched, but I don't care. I just want answers.)
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Okay, wow, I'm so glad I didn't have to type all of the shit again. I feel like I've told that story a million times. I'm not even going to re-read it to see if anything's missing. Maybe some other time. You get the gist, though. Actually, I just glanced and realized I didn't write about the biggest mathematical catalyst for my religiosity. Here's a short entry from December 12, 2016 that explains that:
Very interesting site. Some key points: If you take the gematria (numerical equivalent) of Genesis 1:1 and John 1:1 and perform the equation [(number of letters x product of letters) / (number of words x product of words)], you get pi and e, respectively. If you concatenate and square the sums of the two verses, you get alpha (the fine structure constant in physics). All three are with 99.9999% accuracy. This site also refers to 541 (the Star of David number and gematria for "Israel", which is also the gematria of my full name in Hebrew). Another interesting coincidence is that when I got the Hebrew value of my dad's name (399), I found this other similar site http://www.biblegematria.com/o-israel.html which shows how the digits before the 399th position of e happen to be 31014, the zip code of Cochran.
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So, I'm almost certain now that I'm not actually the reincarnation of King David. Since I wrote that, I've experienced the tingly/resonance sensation countless times, and if it is the "Holy Spirit", then maybe I'm just not getting the message. I got it a lot while watching a horror movie a couple days ago. That was weird. On the other hand, there have been times that I got it with things that ended up connecting in weird (coincidental?) ways. I watch a lot of Jewish rabbis on YouTube, and I've heard a lot of them say that coincidences are not kosher. There are no such thing as coincidences. I can see that.
So one of the first times I got the sensation, I was trying to get through Genesis Chapter 1 and 2 (still stuck there) in Hebrew, and I got the feeling when I read about the whales being created in the beginning (they're the only species mentioned specifically other than humans). As soon as I got that feeling, for some reason Hindu deities popped in my head. I had watched a Yogi a couple weeks before, and he made a joke about how someone asked them why they had 3 million gods, and he said that was from when they had 3 million people, and they just lost creativity. Anyway, I Googled how many whales there were in the world, and it said that before 1900 there were about... yep, 3 million whales. Weird.
Exit Music (For a Film). Oh yeah, I've moved on to OK Computer. So good. This one I've definitely listened to many, many times.
I'm so hungry. My friend bought me a frozen dinner earlier, but I left it in my car. I think I've been avoiding telling you the whole story about what happened today, because I don't know if it's ethical to write about other people in general, let alone those involved in criminal activity. I don't mind writing about my own criminal activity, but that's different. Plus the only thing I ever do that's illegal anymore is drugs. But I'm working on that.
Oh, there is this one kind of new development in my criminal history. Actually, I don't know if it's criminal. There's an extremely good chance I was and am just being paranoid.
So a couple months ago or so, I got super paranoid that this porn web site I had gone to contained underage videos. It was one of those web sites where people can upload videos. There was a disclaimer that said that everyone had to be 18 and up, but I came across a couple that seemed a little fishy. They were all self-made jack off videos--not like actual child porn or anything. And to be honest the one I questioned had a guy who could be anywhere between 16 and 20, maybe. I don't know. It's really hard to gauge someone's age these days. Anyway, so on other web sites, you can report suspected underage porn, which I have done before. But on this one, it requires you to create an account first, and I really didn't want to. I posted a question on Reddit asking what I should do, and someone said that even if I reported it, I could get in trouble for just viewing it. So I freaked the fuck out. And then I found an article about how the FBI allegedly confiscates child porn servers and keeps them running to bust people who access them. I'm pretty sure they're referring to actual little kids, and probably shit on the darkweb or whatever, but at the time I thought they were talking about me.
I freaked out and told my mom, and she got extremely mad for the simple fact that I had been looking at porn at all. That was bad. I called this child pornography hotline, and they asked me to give a report, but when I asked if I could still get in trouble for viewing it even if I report it, they said they couldn't answer that. So I sent a message to this cop I went to high school with to get his opinion, although I was pretty convinced at the time that the FBI was going to come knocking on my door at any minute. He told me that we were in a new generation, and everyone looks at porn, so he wouldn't judge me. I sent him a link to the website, and he said he would check it out when he got back to work. But that was June 4th, and I still haven't heard back from him. That's another reason why I was thinking about compiling a list of every illegal thing I've ever done and submitting it to the authorities. Because at least then I could just get it over with and not have to be paranoid all the time about that, at least. Although if the site I viewed had actual underage people on there, I would be listed as a sex offender, and almost certainly get the shit beat out of me in prison. Plus it would embarrass the hell out of my family (although at this point, they might be used to it).
I stopped looking at porn completely until a few days ago, when I was being extremely self-destructive. I didn't go back to that specific website, but I did go to a site that links to it sometimes, although if someone looked like they could actually be underage, I didn't click on it. I convinced myself that my cop friend would've said something by now if it were actually underage. But I really don't know. Maybe they're monitoring me now to see if I'm still going there. The Internet was being really funky for a while when I moved in.
A part of me is almost convinced that some sort of organization is watching my every move. I mean, I wouldn't doubt it at all. And I'm pretty sure I know why they would be, if they were.
When I was hospitalized on my birthday in 2015, I was having all of these insane delusions and had numerous hypothetical and logical explanations for them. One of the hypotheses involved pathogens with collective consciousnesses that may have infected billions and presently ainfluence their actions. This is actually scientifically true to some extent, i.e. toxoplasmosis gondii. Anyway, when I was in the hospital, I went to Google Maps, and for some reason (I'm almost certain this actually happened, but I guess it could've been a hallucination), my location was marked as the White House. So I thought maybe they had transported me to some secret underground facility in D.C. and disguised the surroundings to fool me into thinking I had never left Cochran. Naturally, I wanted to talk to the President, so I e-mailed him and asked him some crazy question about what we would do if two pathogens with collective consciousnesses were at war--like how could we resolve the situation in the most peaceful way or whatever. But instead of using my real name, I signed it B3N because my parents had just brought me a bright blue kid's dsuitcase filled with pajamas since I was being transferred to Savannah, and my dad had written my name on sharpie in capital letters on the suitcase. The E looked like a backwards 3. So yeah. I'm almost certain I'm on a list now.
Fuck it, I seriously don't want any caffeine, but the only pain relievers I have are Excedrin. I feel like someone is beating the shit out of me.
Okay, I just smoked a little bit of a cigarette instead. I realized there is so much more to all of these stories that I haven't written about, and I should probably get around to that at some point. It would probably help things make better sense if anyone who doesn't know me reads it. I mean, it's almost impossible for me to keep a secret, so most people who know me have heard the majority of it already. That's probably why no one ever wants to hang out with me anymore. I don't blame them.
I should really write about my day.
I have to pee.
Maybe I'll just wait til tomorrow to write about today.
Right now I'd just like to say that I wish Chapter 1 of Genesis were true. I wish we were all one sex. I wish we only ate plants. I wish we could go back to that world. I wish the Messiah, if he comes (Jesus or whoever) would really turn all the swords into plowshares. I wish we could all learn the truth and be at peace and happy. I just wish all the fucked up things that are supposed to prelude that didn't have to happen. I wish every single sentient being that has ever existed could be healed and be reunited with their loved ones. I wish we could all just sing and dance and explore the universe (if it's not all just an illusion) or travel back in time and witness history. I wish no one would even have the desire to hurt anyone else. I wish no one had to hurt (well, unless they're into that sort of thing, maybe). I just wish everyone could have a fucking amazing experience without hurting anyone else's experience. I actually considered what it would be like if we could all have our own universes, and we could do whatever we wanted to in them, but while that might be fun for a while, I think it would end up being the loneliest thing you could ever experience. If there is one creator of the universe, I seriously hope he or she doesn't feel that way.
That reminds me of a song I wrote a while ago. Here are the lyrics: (also on soundcloud at https://soundcloud.com/ben-pettis/we-exist)
I'm thankful that we exist
But I have made a real short list
Of things that we could do without
Cause at this point I've got some doubts
Let's start with all the bloody wars
What the hell are we fighting for?
And all my friends you took away
At least wait til our hair turns gray
Then there's famine and disease
Oh, won't you put these kids at ease
And I could mention bigotry
But I'm not sure if you'd agree
Does anybody really know
What is real or what's for show
We've given you so many names
Are you ashamed of all the fame?
So will you tell us what it's like
To be so mighty and so wise
Do you get bored with time and space
Why don't you join the human race?
Then you could see just what it's like
Maybe then you would stop the fights
And we could all just sing and dance
Do you prefer pop, house, or trance
And what about this blinding light
That shines inside me every night
Is it the truth that resonates
Please tell me before it's too late
Because I don't know what to do
Except to keep looking for you
Will we find answers in this life
Or is it futile til we die?
But I'm thankful that we exist
Even though it's not all bliss
I guess we need a little pain
To make us appreciate the gain.
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I think I'm going to take another hot shower.
I stopped looking at porn completely until a few days ago, when I was being extremely self-destructive. I didn't go back to that specific website, but I did go to a site that links to it sometimes, although if someone looked like they could actually be underage, I didn't click on it. I convinced myself that my cop friend would've said something by now if it were actually underage. But I really don't know. Maybe they're monitoring me now to see if I'm still going there. The Internet was being really funky for a while when I moved in.
A part of me is almost convinced that some sort of organization is watching my every move. I mean, I wouldn't doubt it at all. And I'm pretty sure I know why they would be, if they were.
When I was hospitalized on my birthday in 2015, I was having all of these insane delusions and had numerous hypothetical and logical explanations for them. One of the hypotheses involved pathogens with collective consciousnesses that may have infected billions and presently ainfluence their actions. This is actually scientifically true to some extent, i.e. toxoplasmosis gondii. Anyway, when I was in the hospital, I went to Google Maps, and for some reason (I'm almost certain this actually happened, but I guess it could've been a hallucination), my location was marked as the White House. So I thought maybe they had transported me to some secret underground facility in D.C. and disguised the surroundings to fool me into thinking I had never left Cochran. Naturally, I wanted to talk to the President, so I e-mailed him and asked him some crazy question about what we would do if two pathogens with collective consciousnesses were at war--like how could we resolve the situation in the most peaceful way or whatever. But instead of using my real name, I signed it B3N because my parents had just brought me a bright blue kid's dsuitcase filled with pajamas since I was being transferred to Savannah, and my dad had written my name on sharpie in capital letters on the suitcase. The E looked like a backwards 3. So yeah. I'm almost certain I'm on a list now.
Fuck it, I seriously don't want any caffeine, but the only pain relievers I have are Excedrin. I feel like someone is beating the shit out of me.
Okay, I just smoked a little bit of a cigarette instead. I realized there is so much more to all of these stories that I haven't written about, and I should probably get around to that at some point. It would probably help things make better sense if anyone who doesn't know me reads it. I mean, it's almost impossible for me to keep a secret, so most people who know me have heard the majority of it already. That's probably why no one ever wants to hang out with me anymore. I don't blame them.
I should really write about my day.
I have to pee.
Maybe I'll just wait til tomorrow to write about today.
Right now I'd just like to say that I wish Chapter 1 of Genesis were true. I wish we were all one sex. I wish we only ate plants. I wish we could go back to that world. I wish the Messiah, if he comes (Jesus or whoever) would really turn all the swords into plowshares. I wish we could all learn the truth and be at peace and happy. I just wish all the fucked up things that are supposed to prelude that didn't have to happen. I wish every single sentient being that has ever existed could be healed and be reunited with their loved ones. I wish we could all just sing and dance and explore the universe (if it's not all just an illusion) or travel back in time and witness history. I wish no one would even have the desire to hurt anyone else. I wish no one had to hurt (well, unless they're into that sort of thing, maybe). I just wish everyone could have a fucking amazing experience without hurting anyone else's experience. I actually considered what it would be like if we could all have our own universes, and we could do whatever we wanted to in them, but while that might be fun for a while, I think it would end up being the loneliest thing you could ever experience. If there is one creator of the universe, I seriously hope he or she doesn't feel that way.
That reminds me of a song I wrote a while ago. Here are the lyrics: (also on soundcloud at https://soundcloud.com/ben-pettis/we-exist)
I'm thankful that we exist
But I have made a real short list
Of things that we could do without
Cause at this point I've got some doubts
Let's start with all the bloody wars
What the hell are we fighting for?
And all my friends you took away
At least wait til our hair turns gray
Then there's famine and disease
Oh, won't you put these kids at ease
And I could mention bigotry
But I'm not sure if you'd agree
Does anybody really know
What is real or what's for show
We've given you so many names
Are you ashamed of all the fame?
So will you tell us what it's like
To be so mighty and so wise
Do you get bored with time and space
Why don't you join the human race?
Then you could see just what it's like
Maybe then you would stop the fights
And we could all just sing and dance
Do you prefer pop, house, or trance
And what about this blinding light
That shines inside me every night
Is it the truth that resonates
Please tell me before it's too late
Because I don't know what to do
Except to keep looking for you
Will we find answers in this life
Or is it futile til we die?
But I'm thankful that we exist
Even though it's not all bliss
I guess we need a little pain
To make us appreciate the gain.
----
I think I'm going to take another hot shower.
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