Living vs Dying

The only reason I have to live is the hope that somehow my suffering will end. I think this hope may be futile.

If there is a god (and I have had experiences and have reasons to believe there may be), it doesn't seem much concerned with my well-being. Maybe there is some sort of nefarious plan to punish those who worship the beast, but what's the point? It seems kind of sick and twisted.

So I don't have any sort of god to hope in. I haven't found much faith in people, either. None of my old friends want anything to do with me. Even my mom won't answer the phone (not that it would help--my relationship with my family is extremely toxic).

Honestly I would just like to join my loved ones wherever they may be. At least they probably aren't suffering. Even non-existence is preferable to this.

If I could just get a job, at least that would be a distraction. But no one will hire me. I would go be homeless somewhere, but I don't know if there's anyplace I'd fit in. The homeless people in Venice Beach weren't very accepting of me last time I was there.