I hope the whole goddamn world explodes

Fuck you bitch at Coliseum

She called me to see if I still wanted to do outpatient, even though I left a message before Christmas. She said Medicare wouldn't transport me there, and I asked if I could attend while living in a homeless shelter. She said no--that I would need a case manager for that.

Long story short, she started giving me the abrupt "uh-huhs" which made me want to reach through the phone and slap her ass.

I want euthanasia.

There are no long-term treatment facilities (that I'm aware of) for people suffering from bpd unless you are rich or have good insurance (I only have Medicare and Medicaid). I just got out of my 8th hospitalization a couple weeks ago. I have decided that it is improbable that I will ever get help, and I am tired of suffering. I beg for death every day. I have no future. Most of my friends are dead. The ones left don't have anything to do with me. I have a toxic relationship with my entire family. I can't get a job. I can't enjoy television, video games, or anything. I was okay when I was in the psych hospital, but that's just a temporary fix. I want it to be over. People have gotten legal euthanasia in Europe for similar conditions (I have schizoaffective, PTSD, ADHD, and fibromyalgia in addition to BPD). I don't think it's fair that I have to suffer. The only reason I haven't already ended my suffering is because I'm scared. But if I had trained professionals help me, I wouldn't be.

Fuck it

I told a guy I met in my last psych hospital--the only person who ever tries to talk to me--that my suicide note would be here if I decide to do it. I have noticed he hasn't checked my blog yet. No one has.

Right now the best option seems to be ordering a helium tank when I get paid. I have no desire to keep living in this world any longer than I have to, but I'm scared of cutting my wrists (I doubt it would even work, and it would suck), but at least now I have something to look forward to.

I'm not going to bother with going to another hospital or try to call any of the stupid hotlines again. They don't work. They don't help. I just want out. That is my final decision.

Living vs Dying

The only reason I have to live is the hope that somehow my suffering will end. I think this hope may be futile.

If there is a god (and I have had experiences and have reasons to believe there may be), it doesn't seem much concerned with my well-being. Maybe there is some sort of nefarious plan to punish those who worship the beast, but what's the point? It seems kind of sick and twisted.

So I don't have any sort of god to hope in. I haven't found much faith in people, either. None of my old friends want anything to do with me. Even my mom won't answer the phone (not that it would help--my relationship with my family is extremely toxic).

Honestly I would just like to join my loved ones wherever they may be. At least they probably aren't suffering. Even non-existence is preferable to this.

If I could just get a job, at least that would be a distraction. But no one will hire me. I would go be homeless somewhere, but I don't know if there's anyplace I'd fit in. The homeless people in Venice Beach weren't very accepting of me last time I was there.

website that never was

I built a web site, but I don't have any server space other than locally, so fuck it.

For the past several months I've been living in a virtual nightmare. I went to two more psychiatric hospitals and have been everywhere from LA to Indiana to PA and back to GA. I don't even want to go into it, other than say that if there were an easy and painless way to die, I would absolutely do it.