no one reads this

i've only made my blog public a few times, for only hours at the time, and i'm almost certain no one ever reads any of it. i have one friend currently who has access to it, but i'm pretty sure she doesn't ever read it, either. and that's okay. i love you anyway, kate.

but i would like validation.

what do people want to read about, though? i could write about my craziness all day long. i could name-drop a little. i could write about my new lame job working one day a week at a hotel. i could write about my boyfriend and family. my mom and i are doing much better.

i'm pretty stoned right now. i did a tiny bit of meth last night because i'm trying to stay up to get back on a 'normal' sleeping schedule for graveyard shift. i had to smoke some pot to take the edge off. i really don't like meth. ew.

anyway, i took a shower, and i feel better now. i spent like three hours masturbating then three more writing a song about drugs.

here are the lyrics, for now:


well i wish i could just stay sober
but i guess that would be a lie
and i really don't want it to be over
so pass me the whisky and a light

well weed's okay, but i'm not down with crack
and i won't turn down a little smack
give me a pill, it's such a thrill
let jack and jill roll down that hill

oh heaven knows these words are true
and my outlook is truly blue
no happiness will come to me
when getting high is not the key

oh what are we supposed to do
when we're not ready to be through
with all the shit that comes from them
the light is getting pretty dim

i hate to say that you were right
but maybe i just lost the fight
my mind can't function on its own
so i'll stay awake until dawn

i'll write you a pretty little song
maybe you can sing along
it doesn't  matter anyway
there's nothing really left to say

and i hope whoever hears
will lend a gentle, loving ear
and try to understand the way
a broken heart can go astray

well i wish i could just stay sober
but i guess that would be a lie
and i really don't want it to be over
so pass me the whisky and a light

--

yeah, so that's one of the probably hundreds of songs i've written, most of which i'll never remember.

i want to be like linda perry. i want to make a living writing songs.

speaking of which, i asked clementine if i could write her mom into a screenplay about my life, and she said her mom probably wouldn't be down for it, that she barely even has anything to do with her other kids' work. i tried to re-add clementine to facebook, but she never accepted my friend request. bitch.

i hate famous people.

and sunny is in this band with willie nelson's son. i asked her if she could get me tickets to see his concert with my dad when he comes to atlanta, but i think i made her feel weird. blah.

i hate fame. hate hate hate hate hate.

or MAYBE i secretly am envious of those who have it. same with money. being poor sucks, even though i've said the opposite for quite a while.

i'm watching some rabbi on youtube, sort of. i was thinking about converting to judaism, but it's really difficult for me to believe most of the torah. i do think kaballah is neat, though. and i dig that they believe in a transcendental god with a feminine presence.

i'm so hungry, but i don't want to eat. i've gotten fat, and i don't like it.

i got an e-mail back from temple beth israel in macon. they invited me to their torah study and shabbat service. that's pretty cool. i may go one friday. i want to believe in something. i want to do mitzvot.

i'm tired of typing.