New York (Unpublished draft from 3/21/12)

I was sitting in Union Square with the OWS people after a night of heavy drinking, fighting, and having cocks shoved down my throat that I didn't want. I can only explain the feeling as cracked the fuck out. I want to write about it, but my mind is too blurry right now. I'm having a cup of coffee after flipping a coin that took me to Avenue A. I'm not entirely sure where I am, really, but I know that this coffee is good and I'm really hungry and I wish I had someone to rub my back. I'm thinking about getting online and finding someone to do that, but I don't want people around me to see a bunch of dicks on my screen and feel uncomfortable or judge me.

I'm tempted to go into work just so I can get a Xanax from Arielle. I've never asked for one before, but I'm sure she would at least give me half. I'm out of pot, and I can't mentally or physically handle it in this city--the way I am in this city--without being drunk or stoned. Drinking is an option, I guess. Maybe I should Google a gay bar nearby. That would kill two birds with one stone. I don't know if I could even get it up right now though if I needed to. I think I may have PTSD from last night. I mean, it was all of my own making, but still.

I went out with my co-workers last night to dinner. Everyone went home except Abdul, Maria, and I. I convinced them to go to The Cock with me because Yva wanted me to come and Abdul was a fan of hers back when she was famous. I was having a really good time until I saw Mathias. I went up to talk to him and he was like "Get the fuck away from me, I don't want to talk to you." It really hurt my feelings because I didn't know why he was being like that to me. Yva said that it wasn't because of the whole Eric thing, but that Mathias was in transition to be a woman, but I don't think that's true and even if it were, I don't see how that would make him act like that to me. I think she just made it up.

Anyway, I got really drunk and saw Mathias flirting with this twink boy and I got mad at being lied to so I walked past him and shoved him and called him a faggot. He threw his drink on me and tried to get me to come outside to fight him. I told him I just wanted to talk civilly, but he didn't want that. Then Eric came back in and tried to fight me. He punched me but someone got him to back off. I'm not a fighter at all. Anyway, I was all shaken up over that so I went and hid in the corner where everyone was sucking each others dicks. I enjoyed watching at first but then I sat down and people kept giving me poppers and putting their dicks in my mouth. I didn't know what to do so I just went with it. I felt disgusting, but I tried to rationalize it by telling myself that I shouldn't judge people (which in my mind at the time meant I would be prejudiced if I didn't let some disgusting man shove his disgusting cock down my throat).

I just want to run away. I can't wait to be in the mountains. I hope I don't go crazy and lose all my friends there like I do almost everywhere else I go. I'm tired of not feeling like I have a home except for Georgia where I can't even be myself but at least people love me.