Black Pepper

I woke up so cold
The noise of the city through the fire escape
The morning coming to life
I put on your coat
I smell you but you're not here
I smoke my last cigarette
I plan my life, without you
Because it makes me feel better
In a bittersweet way

Soon I'll leave this city
These memories
Just like I've done before
I'll head for the hills
I'll find love
It won't be you

Kellogg's Diner

I started getting a little weak and delirious, which I finally attributed to my lack of eating, so I ventured out to get some food. I decided to play flip the coin, and it told me to go to Manhattan, but my stomach violently disagreed, so I jumped off the train at the Lorimer stop at the last minute. I'm hoping I can get down more than a few bites of this Ham and Cheese Omelet. Lately it's been a bit of a task.

This is such a vibrant city. There are so many people--so many ideas, languages, hopes, dreams, fears--but at the same time it's one of the most loneliest places I've ever been. I guess that happens until you find your niche. But that can prove to be slightly difficult, especially when you're not entirely sure if you even have a niche.

My cousin just sent me a message on Facebook telling me that I shouldn't rely on other people to make me happy--only Jesus. That's easy to say when your husband is the pastor of a Baptist church. I'm sure it's a little easier to believe in what you say then.

I would love to be Christian. I would love to give myself over to the spirit of someone who may or may not have existed and let my worries just melt away to the promise of everlasting love and light. I think the character of Jesus--for the most part--was highly enlightened with ideals strongly aligned with mine. Unfortunately, the context is obviously too contradictory and not very conducive to my sort of lifestyle.

Unfortunately, the environments which are typically conducive to my genetic or environmental or whatever affinity towards loving another man are full of qualities that I--for whatever reason--am not generally attracted to. I do desire the creativity, spontaneity, and sense of adventure that those kinds of groups tend to foster, but on the other hand I long for the simplicity and stability of my Southern Baptist rural upbringing.

New York (Unpublished draft from 3/21/12)

I was sitting in Union Square with the OWS people after a night of heavy drinking, fighting, and having cocks shoved down my throat that I didn't want. I can only explain the feeling as cracked the fuck out. I want to write about it, but my mind is too blurry right now. I'm having a cup of coffee after flipping a coin that took me to Avenue A. I'm not entirely sure where I am, really, but I know that this coffee is good and I'm really hungry and I wish I had someone to rub my back. I'm thinking about getting online and finding someone to do that, but I don't want people around me to see a bunch of dicks on my screen and feel uncomfortable or judge me.

I'm tempted to go into work just so I can get a Xanax from Arielle. I've never asked for one before, but I'm sure she would at least give me half. I'm out of pot, and I can't mentally or physically handle it in this city--the way I am in this city--without being drunk or stoned. Drinking is an option, I guess. Maybe I should Google a gay bar nearby. That would kill two birds with one stone. I don't know if I could even get it up right now though if I needed to. I think I may have PTSD from last night. I mean, it was all of my own making, but still.

I went out with my co-workers last night to dinner. Everyone went home except Abdul, Maria, and I. I convinced them to go to The Cock with me because Yva wanted me to come and Abdul was a fan of hers back when she was famous. I was having a really good time until I saw Mathias. I went up to talk to him and he was like "Get the fuck away from me, I don't want to talk to you." It really hurt my feelings because I didn't know why he was being like that to me. Yva said that it wasn't because of the whole Eric thing, but that Mathias was in transition to be a woman, but I don't think that's true and even if it were, I don't see how that would make him act like that to me. I think she just made it up.

Anyway, I got really drunk and saw Mathias flirting with this twink boy and I got mad at being lied to so I walked past him and shoved him and called him a faggot. He threw his drink on me and tried to get me to come outside to fight him. I told him I just wanted to talk civilly, but he didn't want that. Then Eric came back in and tried to fight me. He punched me but someone got him to back off. I'm not a fighter at all. Anyway, I was all shaken up over that so I went and hid in the corner where everyone was sucking each others dicks. I enjoyed watching at first but then I sat down and people kept giving me poppers and putting their dicks in my mouth. I didn't know what to do so I just went with it. I felt disgusting, but I tried to rationalize it by telling myself that I shouldn't judge people (which in my mind at the time meant I would be prejudiced if I didn't let some disgusting man shove his disgusting cock down my throat).

I just want to run away. I can't wait to be in the mountains. I hope I don't go crazy and lose all my friends there like I do almost everywhere else I go. I'm tired of not feeling like I have a home except for Georgia where I can't even be myself but at least people love me.