wow

i started to read through my journal, and there are so many gaps that i doubt most of it would make much sense to anyone but me. aaron, if you're reading this, i'm sorry. and please don't call the cops if you think i need to be committed. i've been committed several times, and here i am.

the legacy of a turd

i called the suicide hotline the other day. the girl was nice, but she said she had to take other calls after a few minutes. i guess it's because i told her i probably wasn't going to kill myself since the last time i tried, it was terrifying. i mean, i did just take a shitload of trazadone, which probably couldn't kill me, but i didn't know that, and i definitely felt like i was doing. i've felt like i was doing other times, too, and it sucked. if i were actually going to kill myself, i don't know what to do. i've read the reviews on almost everything, and everything seems pretty shittie. but it's dumb, because i'm sure the suffering i've gone through trying to find a way to die is incredibly more painful than actually killing myself would be. so maybe i subconsciously want to live because i have hope or something--maybe one of the worst evils. i don't know. words are bullshit. i'm probably wrong about almost everything bullshit pseudo-philosophical thing i say.

my mom doesn't like me. i don't blame her. i secretly recorded a conversation with her the other day for whatever reason, but i haven't let anyone listen to it. but here it is: https://soundcloud.com/user-751791878/mom

i wish i could just go back in her womb and lose all of my thoughts and self-awareness or whatever and just be there forever, though.

but everytime i think that, i remember the time when she was yelling at me and telling me i had to "get in here" while pointing to her vagina. it obviously stunned me, and when i asked her to clarify, she said i had to "get in the light". i don't know what that was all about, and i don't know how i could ever figure it out, because i can't ask her since the last time i tried to ask her i ended up getting kicked out.

i know i'm fucked up. maybe someone should kill me. i'm sure if everyone read this, there would be some who would try.

i can't think of a reason to live, to be honest, other than maybe getting a prescription of opiates or going visit the few people who still like me for short periods of time or something. i don't know. i envy heterosexual people who can have families and things and "normal" lives. it would be so nice to have a normal brain. alas.

i think i'm going to try to stop letting myself think about the existence of god/gods, even though it would be nice if there were some sort of being that could have witnessed my life and my thoughts and have sympathy for me or fix me or beat the fuck out of me until i get it right or something. idk.

i hope no one else has suffered as much as i have mentally. or if anyone is, i wish i could find them and do whatever i can to help them. i wish i could do something to help anyone, but no one ever asks for my help. this world is just so fucked up.

oh yeah, i called my last post nigger because i felt like saying a bad word. nothing more, nothing less. not sure why i'm worried about people thinking i'm racist or feel the need to explain it. ok, maybe i am a little racist--but only towards black men (not women) who are homophobic assholes. i don't know if that counts as racist, though. again, words are stupid.