get me away from here i'm dying

i'm old. i'll be 36 this year. my hair is falling out. my teeth are falling out. i'm clinically insane. i'm jobless. living on a $970/month disability check. i'm on probation for my dui. i came home from my boyfriend's today. i haven't had a pain pill in many days now. i hurt all over my body, and i was in such mental anguish that i came seriously close to slitting my wrists. but my mom gave me 7.5 mg of oxycodone. she made me tell her if i had been using. i had to tell her that i get stuff at my boyfriend's house sometimes, and she told me if they ever gave me anything again that she'd call my probation officer and have them arrested. what a fucking hypocrite. she also doesn't want me to see my boyfriend anymore, even though he makes me happy when i'm with him. i know we're in a seriously co-dependent relationship, and we're both addicts, but i'm okay with that. i love him. granted i'm still not completely over the other assholes who broke my heart and my body, but i'm doing much better in that area.

i want to start a non-profit so bad--a holistic, self-sustained community for high-functioning adults with mental disabilities.

i had all of these ideas about how to make the money. i could write an amazing album or a screenplay about my life. but those aren't realistic at all, especially not in this world. content overload. plus i'm not that great of a musician or writer. i mean, people tell me i'm good, but i don't believe them.

i really wouldn't mind just ceasing to exist. life is just... painful, in general. it's exhausting, really.

i miss 1997.